Forgiveness At The Crossroads Of Love And Anger

Finding Forgiveness

Where do we find forgiveness
What must be offered and must be sought
Forgiveness from pain and agony
It can’t be bartered for or even bought

Where is the place called forgiveness
A place our souls can find a home
Where remorse finds peace and deliverance
With forgiveness each can call their own

Where vengeance and guilt find no place to hide
A place where broken hearts can mend
To find the love that once was lost
A place where friendships never end

Lord light the path that leads us now
To a special forgiveness of our own
For true forgiveness can’t be found
Unless true faith is in the home

Only faith removes these heavy chains
That binds anger tightly to the heart
In prayer we must look to the cross
Where true forgiveness had its start

Our Savior is our loving refuge
And our righteous battle sword
Trust in Him to give you justice
Our power’s in the Living Lord

Forgiveness you must give
If it is to be received
Only then can chains be broken
Only then our souls relieved

FaithfulToOne © 2007


Harvard Women's Health Watch published an article a while back that said that forgiving those who hurt you can improve your mental and physical well being. In the article it gives five reasons that we should forgive someone. We often think that giving forgiveness to someone only benefits the person being forgiven, but that is not true. Harvard Women's Health Watch discusses the five health benefits that were scientifically studied that effect the forgiver:

1. Forgiving reduces stress in the forgiver. Relieving grudges and offering forgiveness can reduce strains that can show up physically in ways such as: Muscle tension, higher blood pressure, and increased sweating.

2. One study found a link between offering forgiveness and a healthier heart. Offering forgiveness showed improved blood pressure, better heart rates, and an eased workload put on the heart.

3. A 2004 study showed that a woman that was able to offer forgiveness to her spouse and show compassion for him was much better and more effective in resolving conflict situations and had stronger relationships. Men do you care to step up to the plate on this too? If God calls the man to be the faithful head of the home this is something he should be modeling for others too.

4. One study on people with chronic back pain found that if they practiced meditation that focused on converting angry feelings into compassionate feelings, they felt less pain and anxiety than those who just received regular care.

5. Forgiveness effects the forgivers bringing them greater happiness. One study revealed that if a person talks about forgiveness during therapy sessions they exhibited greater improvement then those that didn't. When you forgive someone, you are taking responsibility for your own happiness instead of giving it to the person that hurt or betrayed you.

John 20:23 says, "If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven." So what are the dangers of not forgiving someone? Mark 11:25 says, And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Matthew 6:14-15 also warns us, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." The Bible tells us if we wish to have our slates wiped clean when we go to the Father and ask for forgiveness, then we must be willing to forgive those that have wronged us too. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

If you are seeking help with healing and forgiveness I would recommend the daily email messages from the DivorceCare website. I have a link here on my blog. Even if you are not getting a divorce there are some very powerful messages for dealing with the breakdown in relationships. I can with all faith and honesty tell you that I feel the ones I got recently were messages from God. The reason I can say this is that God used them to help me forgive someone in my life.

There was once a man in my life that I loved and cared deeply about. He was the one that broke off our relationship and we parted on very bitter terms. I had made peace with the situation, because I believed it was God's will at the time. I had not wanted to harbor any ill will for the man and prayed often for God to help me forgive him. I thought over time that I had completely forgiven him, but God knew that I still harbored pain for the hurt that was caused by our break up. God knew me better than I knew myself.

After our break up, there was one attempt that was made to reconcile our feelings and move on. I had hoped that we could at least be good friends in faith, but it ended with emails that only vented angry, bitter, hurt, and very negative feelings on both sides. We were both at fault this time. They were emails that did not show how two Christians should be treating one another. After that there was no real contact going on except for the occasional impersonal email being forwarded to each other. Over time I again prayed to find forgiveness and move on, but still I now know there were pains of resentment from some of the hurtful things he had said to me.

During this time we were not talking to one another so I did not know what was going on in his life, but after we parted ways God knew that there was work to be done with both of us. I can tell you that during this time God did a lot to bring me closer to Him and to give me real focus on things I need to accomplish for Him. God also had work to do for the man that had hurt me. Again, God knew him better then he knew himself. He had been harboring anger and bitterness in his heart for a long time. The longer it was there the more it ate away at him until finally in complete frustration he turned to God. As soon as he humbled himself in prayer and turned to God, God got busy. God revealed a lot to this man as he turned things over to God and continued to seek His will and direction. Saying all this God still had more to show him, because even though the man prayed and prayed, he saw no intersession.

What was God waiting for? Only later, would we both understand that God was working behind the scenes and it was God waiting on him. As God began to work in the man's life, he wanted to reach out to me and ask for forgiveness. The fear of rejection and the bitterness he thought I would respond with held him back. Then one day he took a chance and forwarded a touching story to me. He almost didn't email it, but he felt the Holy Spirit strongly urging him on. The email had no message or plea for forgiveness with it, it was just the story. The Holy Spirit was working on the other side too, because the story touched my heart. I sent him an email that thanked him for the story. I did not swing the door wide open, but it was the Holy Spirit leaving a crack in the door. If I had been more faithful at the time, I would have seen what was coming next a whole lot sooner than I did.

As God was preparing the man's heart to ask for forgiveness, God was preparing mine to receive it. I did not realize until later the many times God had tried to reach me, but I was too busy with the many things going on in my life, to hear His messages. Praise God, because he never gave up. God was determined to have His will known. I often find that if you really want to know what God is trying to tell you, that you have to find quiet time and a quiet place with him. When the world invades that quiet time and place, it is like static on a cell phone that keeps you from receiving what the other person is trying to say. God will find many ways to reach us and He will never give up on us. I find direction in God's word, through the scriptures and through devotionals that I read. Several times I have turned to the scriptures, heard a song on the radio, watched a sermon on TV, or read a devotional message that I know was a message from God or a direct answer to a prayer.

I have subscribed to three devotionals that are emailed to me everyday. I also get daily email messages from the DivorceCare website. The DivorceCare program and their daily messages did a lot to help me heal when I was going through my divorce. I still receive them because they are great messages that often inspire my writing. I am sorry to say that due to my very busy schedule at the time, I had fallen behind reading my messages and devotionals. I had gotten some strange feelings over the last two weeks and now see the ways that God was trying to reach me, but I was not focused on Him at the time, because I was too busy. It was so subtle the way I put God on the back burner. I felt so ashamed when I realized I had missed His messages to me. When I realized this I asked for God's forgiveness. To be forgiven we must forgive.

The day the man chose to email me the story, God emailed me a message too. It was from DivorceCare titled, Forgiveness Is A Choice. This is part of that message: "'It's not a matter of how you feel,' says Harold Graham. 'It's not even a matter of how you think. It's a matter of your will. Your will is the part of you that makes your decisions. Either you will or you won't, or you do or you don't. It is that cut and dried. The difficulty is once you make that decision, your emotions will kick in and say, 'Time out, I really don't want to do this.'" The rest of the message gave some very good ways to look at forgiveness. It ended with the prayer "God, I cannot forgive through my own strength. Thank you that there is forgiveness with You. Amen." As I read this I consciously did not make the connection, but I now know that the seed was planted.

I emailed a simple reply to the story the man sent. This email and the work God was doing in this man's heart was finally enough to break down the wall of hurt, anger, and bitterness that he had built. The next day, I was totally caught off guard and was not prepared for the email I received. It was a touching message of how God had been working in this man's life since our last bitter exchange. It was also a sincere heartfelt message asking me to forgive him. After I read it I just sat there because I could not believe my eyes. Could this really be coming from the same man? Was he really being sincere in his message? Could there really be hope in repairing our friendship or even more? Could God really change some one's heart so much?

These are just a few of the questions that rapidly ran through my brain, heart, and soul. Then came the big question! With all honesty, could I really completely forgive him? I wanted to forgive him. I don't ever want to have ill will in my heart for anyone, but wanting to do something and having the will to do it as the DivorceCare message said, are two different things. I wanted to respond immediately but I couldn't. The more I tried, the more I reread the email, the more my doubts held me back. I knew of nothing else to do but pray, turn it over to God, and then wait on God for guidance. I knew what the Bible said about forgiveness, but the doubts that plagued me were very strong. Later that evening I was floored again when I opened up my DivorceCare message for the day. This message was title, Forgiveness Is A Decision You Make. The following is an excerpt from the message, "'Forgiveness is a decision only you can make. 'Forgiveness is a decision you make,' says Doug Easterday. 'I can't do it for you. Even the person who offended you can't. God can't do it for you. You're the only one in the history of the world who can make this choice. Therefore, you have something to say about your own destiny if you choose to forgive.'" As I read the rest of the message I knew God was definitely trying to speak to me.

After I prayed, I knew what I needed to do. I tried several times to write him back but could never find the right words to say, so I prayed harder. I got the same answer each time I prayed, "Free yourself and let him heal, forgive him." Still the words to write would not come. I was so busy and overtired with things going on in my life, I could not think. Finally out of desperation I prayed for God to give me strength. The next thing I knew I was calling the man on the phone, yet in the back of my mind I was hoping he would not answer. I had no idea what I would say and prayed that God would find the words for me. God did, because when he answered God gave us both strength. Our doors swung wide open and we forgave each other.

The next day I discovered something really amazing that I knew I had to share with him. While the man was praying for forgiveness from God and for my forgiveness, he had no idea how many times God was trying to intercede for him. I didn't realize it either until I went back to my email. When I reread the man's letter and the DivorceCare messages I began to wonder what was in the other messages I had been too busy to read. To my astonishment I found out that for eleven days God had been trying to reach me with messages about forgiveness. For eleven days the theme for the DivorceCare messages were on forgiveness. When I stopped to think about that I also realized other ways God had been planting seeds of forgiveness. Seeds I had not even realized until now. So what messages from DivorceCare were still to come over the next few days? I knew that there would still be doubts springing up? Did God have more messages for us? So I went to the DivorceCare site to check. God was not leaving anything to chance. He knew that our new found forgiveness would need reinforcement and nurturing so the messages that were still to come over the next few days were on forgiveness and reconciliation.

At this point I knew the messages I had received (and ones I was going to receive) were not just for me but they were for him too. Little did I know how right I was. When I talked to him that night he was in awe at the way God had been interceding for him even when he still had his doubts. We know God brought us back together so that both of us could forgive and heal. Our faith has taken another leap with this shared experience and we have committed our friendship to God. We will take one day at a time with our friendship and continue to pray that God leads us in our faith. We will seek His direction and His will for our lives. We know that even when forgiveness is honestly given it takes time. It does not mean that you just start over where you were before. We know that God loves and cares for both of us and that He does not want His children to suffer. It feels wonderful when you find forgiveness and break the chains that hold you back. If you are having trouble forgiving someone pray and turn it over to God so that He can heal you too.

FaithfulToOne © 2007